A Light In A Dark Place (A Meditation on Newtown)

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This was first published in TheFilAm on December 15.  

Since news broke yesterday afternoon about the senseless killing in an elementary school of Newtown, Connecticut, I haven’t been able to stay away from some form of media outlet.  What else could I do for the 2 hours before my son arrived safe and sound from his school bus?

Among the topics being covered in a  24-hour news cycle and stream of online content was directed at parents trying to find ways to talk about the shooting to their children.  Before anyone says this to me and therefore sounds like a douche bag delivering a backhanded compliment, I will say it first— I’m glad I don’t have that problem.

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me call myself an “autism mom.”  I will not pretend to be an expert on grief counseling or trauma so I will speak here simply as an “autism mom.”

My son’s challenges with speech and language have brought its fair share of negatives and positives in my life.  He can request what he wants and says, “It’s not that bad” when I don’t like the iPhone art app he wants me to buy.  Some things are still unclear; he says he loves me but he also says he “loves” pepperoni pizza.  Of course, I rely on my heart whenever possible to discern his inner meaning behind our communication and it hasn’t failed me terribly yet. (Spoiler alert: he does love me more than pizza.)

Families affected by autism will rarely say that they’re grateful for the autism diagnosis. This is one of those rare times for me and I can only speak to my experience.  I am not making any generalizations and certainly do not belittle the terrible responsibility that befalls parents of neurotypical kids to make sense of a senseless act and teach them how to cope after a tragedy like this.

In some ways he is not that different from other children.  He has an age-appropriate “naughty or nice” view of good and evil. I teach him that hurting people is “doing something bad” and there are consequences. The only kind of death he comprehends is the cartoon kind where there are no consequences for loss of life and in that we are similar.  It was only in my teens that I lost a family member close to me and the first time death meant something real.

As President Obama said yesterday, every parent in America grieves for the families in Newtown.  Death is that terrible subject we parents don’t dare touch upon if we can help it because we want to keep our children innocent.  Death is unfathomable as is evil.  If we can keep knowledge of evil as well as death from our children, we may have one more day of their fleeting youth to share with them. Abstract concepts in math are difficult to teach so imagine how much more difficult to start a discussion of life and death.

There is always going to be something for me to teach him to deal with in this world.  In our everyday life, I try to teach my son how to cope in a society that is largely different from him and will misunderstand and dismiss him more times than attempt to know him.  I try to teach him acts of love, goodness and friendship to counter the acts of intolerance he will be sure to face.  One of the hardest things I have to teach him is courage because he has to face down fear and danger to earn it.

Let me have this one thing.  Please. Even though I feel guilty as hell for being selfish at a time like this, don’t hold my relief against me.

I don’t have that problem of talking to my son about the loss of 20 young lives and 6 brave adult souls. This is a tragic blessing and I know it.

At the same time, although I cannot convey what I want to teach my son about yesterday’s events, I’d like to think, knowing my son so well, that if he did comprehend it all, his heart would be breaking.  And if only to find some shred of goodness in an already dark world, I’m clinging on to that one thought…  One less heart is breaking today.

Pamela K. Santos (@PamelaKSantos) is a do-gooder first because she doesn’t know how to be anything else for as long as she could remember.  She is honored to get the chance everyday to be a mom to #ThisKidHere.

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VIDEO: President Obama Speaks on the Shooting in Connecticut

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President Obama spoke about the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting yesterday at 3:15 p.m.

I know there’s not a parent in America who doesn’t feel the same overwhelming grief that I do.
The majority of those who died today were children — beautiful little kids between the ages of 5 and 10 years old. They had their entire lives ahead of them — birthdays, graduations, weddings, kids of their own. Among the fallen were also teachers — men and women who devoted their lives to helping our children fulfill their dreams.

This evening, Michelle and I will do what I know every parent in America will do, which is hug our children a little tighter and we’ll tell them that we love them, and we’ll remind each other how deeply we love one another.  But there are families in Connecticut who cannot do that tonight.  And they need all of us right now.  In the hard days to come, that community needs us to be at our best as Americans.  And I will do everything in my power as President to help.

Read more from WhiteHouse.gov:
President Obama Speaks on the Shooting in Connecticut | The White House.

Mobilize Your Professional Resume

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As if we didn’t already know, Gmail=Good and AolMail=Outdated

Workforce1 Career Blog

by Amanda Augustine, Job Search Expert at TheLadders

Invest in a professional resume that will make it past any gatekeeper and outsmart applicant tracking software.

amandaAlright folks, one week down, four more to go till the end of the year! I hope you got a chance to take advantage of all those sales from Black Friday and Cyber Monday to upgrade your look. This week I want you to focus on one of the core marketing materials you’ll use during the job search – your resume.

When was the last time you printed out a job application and mailed it to an employer? While it’s not unheard of, it’s certainly not the norm these days. And chances are you surf the web rather than open a newspaper when you want to find job listings.

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I Never Imagined Seeing An AIDS-free Generation

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AIDS Awareness

AIDS Awareness (Photo credit: sassy mom)

UTOPIA by Dazeychic at Etsy

“You say I’m a dreamer/ But I’m not the only one/ I hope someday you’ll join us/ And the world will be as one” 

 

Today is my birthday.   When I was a kid, a cousin told me November 30th was Bonifacio Day, a holiday in the Philippines honoring the revolutionary hero Andres Bonifacio.  Cool, I said. (Or rad. I don’t know.  I was 8 so chances are 50/50 I said cool or rad.  Definitely not radical.)

It is also the day before World AIDS Day. Ever since I lost my uncle, I never forgot that odd alignment of dates following one another in the calendar.

Secretary Hillary Clinton released the PEPFAR Blueprint for an AIDS-free generation yesterday.  She spoke of an AIDS-free generation being within reach and uniting skeptics and believers in this roadmap to a better future.

I was born in the ’80s so I don’t know what it was like to live in a world without AIDS.  I grew up with AIDS; AIDS and HIV are roughly the same age as I am.

AIDS to me was Ryan White, a kid around my same age… Mr. Santonocito interrupting my grade-school class to talk about how AIDS was transmitted and how we didn’t have to worry about shaking hands with someone HIV-positiveMichael Jackson raising funds with Elizabeth Taylor and Elton John with fabulously photographed parties in People Weekly…  Rock Hudson, that guest actor on Dynasty, coming out of the closet before his death… Magic Johnson going on TV to announce his HIV-positive status.  Beyond pop culture, AIDS was buying condoms before losing my virginity.  AIDS was walking for GMHC and getting tested for HIV once I became sexually active.  From 1998 and on, AIDS was the hole in my heart where my Tito Danny used to live.  It was real and vicious, pernicious, ugly, and an established fact of the world. I had hope that could change but in some far off future where hoverboards and robot housekeepers awaited us.

I don’t know what it is like to dream of an AIDS-free generation, let alone imagine “getting to zero” happening in my lifetime. AIDS, HIV, death – these are things you don’t dream about changing.  They just are.

My Tito Danny was a dreamer.  He was a nomad, a scholar of the world, and above all, a kind soul. I lost him in 1998 to AIDS when I was 17.  I didn’t have a lot of time with him since I grew up in New York and he was based in Rotterdam when he wasn’t on one of his many sojourns around the world. He was my hero when I was growing up but somehow in his passing, he impacted my life more than anything had up until that point.  Not until the birth of my son would someone’s presence (or absence) affect me so profoundly. It’s no surprise that my son’s middle name is Danilo.

I’m a dreamer, too.  I’d like to think that I was born a dreamer and it was only by sheer serendipity that I happened to be born into a family with a kindred soul.  My parents are lovely people.  My grandparents, the same.  And yet, by some absurd flip of the genetic coin, a long-line of pragmatists and hard-line realists begat… Ta-da! Me.

Maybe the universe wanted to make sure I wasn’t an outcast in my own family.  That would explain the inexplicable bond I felt with my father’s younger brother.  I don’t remember the time he spent with me as a baby.  I found out much later he was my first ninong (godfather) in my unofficial baptism.  My parents wanted to travel with me but Filipino superstitions demanded that newborns be baptized for protection.  Months later, I got the traditional long, embroidered Christening gown and requisite set of twelve godparents.  Out of all of them, my uncle was probably the closest I had to a guiding influence and he wasn’t even in the church forms.

One year he visited me when I was just some sheltered kid in a Queens suburb. Here he was, my cool uncle from Europe.  He was shorter than my dad, who is already short at 5′ 7″.  With his big smile and ’80s gigantic glasses he completely blew me away with his easy sophistication.  He took me around Rockefeller Center and places in the city I had only heard about from movies.  (My parents rarely ventured away from Chinatown.)  When he left with his trio of 6 foot tall Dutch traveling mates, I missed him so much that we became pen-pals for years until his death.

He was the epitome of the cool uncle or aunt who you turn to when you can’t talk to your parents. I was stuck in the body of the classic Asian American over-achiever getting straight A’s but with the mind of an adventurer who wanted to spend the summers with her gypsy uncle and take a year off before college. Growing up in New York with our wave of Filipino professionals from the ’70s, the only adults in my family circle worked in hospitals and married before 30. The most cultural thing I could expect to hear from them is how they saw Les Miz on Broadway. By sharp contrast, Tito Danny’s letters and photos showed all the world of true bon vivant. There he was, this single intellectual living the bohemian jet-setter lifestyle in Egypt, the Netherlands, India and beyond, and here I was, little old me, related by blood to him.

One time, after watching the old Adam West Batman show, I announced to my mother that I wanted to be an actress.  She told the 6-year-old me nonchalantly as she continued ironing,”But there aren’t any Asian actresses on TV.  Pick something else.”

I did.  Teacher, businesswoman, lawyer, environmentalist (one semester in the 7th grade) — all careers I tried on in my head.  My uncle was the only one who knew my secret dreams of traveling the world, helping people when I could, but mostly learning about people different from me.  He wasn’t a casual tourist.  He lived with indigenous groups for months at a time, learned countless languages and histories of oppressed minorities, all the while instilling a sense of global citizenship in me.

When I saw him for the last time in  December 1997, the Santos family had reunited in my lola’s Quezon City house for the holidays.  Tito Danny’s head was shaved and as small-statured as I remembered him from pictures, he seemed so much “less” of himself in person. Same big smile was there.  One time I caught a drop of sadness in the corner of his eyes, but he hid it away as best he could.  I was so happy to spend time with him, since I fancied myself an adult and wanted to brag about what little I knew of the world.  We talked about the people displaced by Mount Pinatubo‘s volcanic eruption.  I told him about my school clubs.  As usual, I planned to visit him in Rotterdam because I figured it was about time for my parents give me permission as a teenager to travel alone.  I was still dreaming back then, you see.

It all changed the night my mom took me aside for a midnight talk.  My mother was and still is tight-lipped about most things.  She rarely talked to me about feelings or things that weren’t grounded in practical matters like school or health.  This time, she told me how she noticed all the medication bottles my uncle had, the same meds as her patients in the hospital intensive care unit.  All I knew about my mother’s job was that she was a nurse who worked nights; I found out that some of her patients had AIDS. She basically outed my uncle as possibly suffering from AIDS.  Oh, and she also outed him as a gay man.  We never talked about it with my father. Imopssible. Filipino society may tolerate cross-dressing ladyboys at the clubs and wealthy gay men in the barrios as Hermano sponsors of the Flores de Mayo religious processions; in your own family, homosexuality was a different matter.  If you couldn’t talk about being gay, how could you talk to family about being HIV-positive?

It was about 4 months later that my father received the call to get on a plane to the Netherlands.  My uncle was in the hospital and scans indicated that he was brain-dead.  I wasn’t allowed to go.  How could I? In my dad’s eyes, I was just some naive girl who didn’t really know his younger brother.

Flash-forward to Tito Danny’s funeral in the Philippines. The Santos clan, all except for my father’s sister, had no idea AIDS was even in the picture.  My father confided to me how Tito Danny contracted HIV and how his Dutch-born lover of ten years was the very reason he left the Philippines.  He told me this in a single car-ride and never spoke about his brother’s cause of death again unless I brought it up.

Fast forward again, this time to December 2002.  I was crowned Miss Philippines USA and traveled on a goodwill tour of the Philippines right before Christmas. The bare minimum of my duties was to give a check of $200 to a charity of my choice, in the great tradition of 20 past beauty queens before me.  Boy, were the pageant organizers surprised when I turned my trip into a full-fledged multi-city speaking tour as an ambassador for AIDS activism.  I did many memorable things but the most memorable was sneaking in the words condom and safe sex into my public speeches to the Junior Chamber of Commerce chapters.  My liaison warned gently that those words were taboo even when talking about health. From that point on, I thought of AIDS as my enemy, one that I had to fight against using my words.  I never thought of my  AIDS as something that could be eradicated by me because that was too abstract and far-fetched. I could fight against the stigma that kept people from getting tested.  I could donate money to scientists developing ever more advanced drug cocktails to prolong life after a positive diagnosis. I could teach my son about tolerance and the philosophy that AIDS and HIV didn’t define a person so he couldn’t judge a person by that label. Hey, maybe with some hard work and a few decades, I could finally start that foundation in my uncle’s name to sponsor tolerance and scholarships for young dreamers like him.  Those were things that I grasped, things I could do.

One of my favorite Sandman stories by Neil Gaiman is issue #18, “A Dream of a Thousand Cats.” A cat wanders the globe telling her story of meeting another cat who is presumably Dream/Morpheus, King of the Dreaming. Dream tells her once upon a time giant cats ruled over human slaves but a single man completely changed that reality.  He called to his fellow humans to dream of a new world in which they were the masters. The man said,”Dreams shape the world. Dreams create the world anew, every night. Do not dream the world the way it is now… I do not know how many of us it will take.  But we must dream it, and if enough of us dream it, then it will happen.” The message spread until one night enough humans dreamed and the next morning the world was transformed into what it is now. The prophet cat concludes her story by saying,”If a bare thousand of us dream… we can change the world.”

Who knew that only ten years after my trip to the Philippine National AIDS Council discussing the lack of government funding for prevention and treatment programs that I would be sitting in front of a computer screen reading about the steps toward an AIDS-free generation and “getting to zero”?

Happy birthday to me.  One of my wishes came true.

 

 

Pamela K. Santos is a dreamer, a fighter, a do-gooder and a proud comics geek. Send birthday wishes and World AIDS Day news to her on Twitter @pamelaksantos and read more on her site: http://pamelaksantos.me

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Bruce Lee Vs. Clint Eastwood

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Please enjoy the following break in our programming.  As much as I love The Man With No Name, we know who is the clear winner here.  If you need to resort to tired racial stereotypes in a rap battle, you’ve got no game.  Also applies in the real world.